kolmapäev, 1. veebruar 2012

:

Funny how fast I seem to make a mess of myself. Not a mess, more like total chaos. I mentally slit my wrists a long time ago, but it really doesn´t matter, does it?
I don´t even give a fuck that everything between us is a total clusterfuck. I wouldn´t even give a fuck if he hates me. Lately I noticed I´m too lazy or powerless to give any fucks. But then again why should I? They don´t.
I´ve had this dream twice for now. Where I become a really famous bassist and on my 23rd birthday commit a suicide. The only difference between those two dreams is the way I die. In the first one I hanged myself and in the second one I jumped out from the same room´s window. I looked like total mess after this.
No-one mourned, except the singer of my band who was in love with me. My mother and his husband discussed how good it was I´m dead and my closest friends right now didn´t know.
I wonder what those dreams meant. My grandma said that someone might want to harm me, but I think it´s out of question since no-one gives a fuck about my existence, which is good. I´d really like to keep it that way. It´s sort of relaxing, to be honest.
I wish I could find enough strength to switch myself off from this cyber life. Block every single one of my accounts and become totally anti social. I´d save myself so much. Lately my phone isn´t even turned on.
It reminded me that my friend promised to pay me a visit soon. He´s planning to take me out for a dinner, which is really cute. Here I´d like to thank you for being there for me. You really save most of my days.
I´m starting to hate this depression a little. But at the same time I fully enjoy it..
I shall head off to sleep or do something useful. For an example I have to do the dishes. *sigh* I don´t want to. Sleeping seems so much more tempting. <3


I somehow relate to this song awkwardly much..



~Miyu.